Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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