Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
