My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
