I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
