I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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