He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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