OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
