Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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