My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
