Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
