I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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