I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize