So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize