So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize