Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
