ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
