i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you guys were way drunker than both of me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
