The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
