U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
