I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize