My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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