You were right. It hurts to walk today.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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