I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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