I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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