i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
