I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
