Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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