Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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