I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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