Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
