when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
