Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sorry my hands just texted you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
