9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
