a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
