I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
