My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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