Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
