I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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