I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
