I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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