dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just googled if crying burns calories
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
