Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
