why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
