and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
