my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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