he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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