bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
