I want to make a zoo with you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
