Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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