Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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