So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
