I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
