I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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