angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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