its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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