I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
