Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
