last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
